I joined the cult this Sunday. A fanatic society in which thirty and forty something women worship teenage boys in overpriced amphitheaters with stadium seating and feed on ten dollar snacks that are disturbingly both pretzel and cinnamon bun.  Obviously invented for all those movie goers who find the choice of baked goods to be overwhelming.

Of course, its understandable that the cougars have fallen for the Cullens because the entire clan is dressed for New Moon in Talbots/Burberrys garage sale rejects. I predict that this  ’Preppy Unhinged Look” as my friend Tim calls it, is going to be the next rage. It’s perfect for those May/December romances…and possibly for mysterious single car crashes on the way to the golf course…Note my friend in the picture at the top of the post is assuming the appropriate facial expression to pull off the fad.

So Ladies..I heard you gasp and sigh at the werewolf’s impressive, albeit most likely airbrushed abs, and the vampire’s pasty, brooding glare and alarmingly angry eyebrows. Which will it be ..bestiality or necrophilia?

Vampires:

Pros:

Self-sustained, bi-ped locomotion. Very handy for quick runs to the grocery store providing you can find a twenty-four hour Stop n Shop.

Dating a guy who isn’t disappointed when Aunt Flow is here for a visit.

Never needing to be seen in harsh full daylight or having to having wear a bathing suit while sunbathing on a beach full of  nineteen year olds. Face it..candle light is so much more forgiving.

No annoying in laws.

Having a man who is never sick. No whiny men with the sniffles???..Oh sweet Jesus..I am in!!!

Saving a fortune on birth control.

No cooking..ever again!!

Cons:

Having to stare into that constipated puss. Seriously, can you imagine his orgasm face?? 

There not being enough Botox in the universe to keep me looking seventeen forever.

Dating a man who is  prettier than me and has better hair.

Realizing that a man who is over two hundred could clearly kick my ass at Scrabble and crossword puzzles.

Cheesy one liners and drawn out dramatic pauses. Aww..heck..who am I kidding..I love those!!

Werewolves

Pro:

Wolves that big must be hung like…well, like big arse wolves.

Less laundry..These guys never seem to wear shirts.

Loving a man who prefers doggy style.

Never having to think about digusting Tofu again.

Cons:

Dog Breath..Bleak!!

Fur in the bed.

Getting your face raked with wolf claws during an argument, but hey..at least its not a chimpanzee eating your FACE off.

Having to plan parental visits and vacations around the lunar cycle.

Needing to throw out all my silver jewelry.

Housebreaking..always a bitch.

True..neither seems ideal..but I can admit that opening ones mind to both animals and dead people certainly widens the dating pool. And maybe I will get lucky and my new man will mistakenly eat my boss…..Officer, I swear I didn’t put that pint of blood or raw meat in her pocket….It was a Christmas gift!!!