So I attempted the utterly insane yesterday..I went shopping at the mall the weekend before Christmas. Four hours before the media-proclaimed Death Blizzard of 2009. It makes sense though, if we were all going to die here in Boston from shoveling winding walkways and the lack of fully stocked grocery stores, I wanted to make sure my friends and family have their cheap, unwrapped, on clearance Christmas gifts to remember me by.

After I am gone, I’m sure the presents will still reek of the desperation and insane guilt that marked my life. Kind of like the smell of the gambling floor of the Casino Royal in Vegas..Incidentally, Trip Advisers officially describes the fore mentioned casino as  ”small, dingy, smoky, creepy and with a Denny’s attached to it.”

Hell..that phrase should be included somewhere on my epitaph. Or better yet, just bury me under one of the torn vinyl booths.

So the first store I went to was Best Buy..I was there for a Wii game and a Christmas CD for my parents. The store was surprisingly uncrowded, but that did not deter the hardcore shoppers from spreading their own brand of obnoxious holiday cheer. Young stud douchebag from New Jersey with the shiny ear plug stood behind me in line and kept barking the phrase, “Next in line!” At the top of his lungs every time a cashier opened up.

I finally turned and politely asked him how much coffee he had ingested that morning. Slightly confused, eyes wide he admitted, “A lot.”

Do you work here?

“No way,” he answered

“Do you want to work here?”

“Snort!”

“Ok, then…take it down a bit,” I suggested. “You’re freaking me out.”

Of course, from that point on…my friend Eliza and I did the exact same thing for the rest of our shopping excursion. Yelling orders is actually quite fun because holiday shoppers are so dazed with stress and easily startled. I might get one of those yellow security vest for next year.

Interestingly, I found out that you have to leave your paid packaged with the head of security if you wish to use the Best Buy restrooms. I suppose this policy is to save me from flushing my newly purchased camera down the toilet or something. And yes, security will half-heartedly chase you into the women’s toilet stall if you decide to run for it.

Next stop, Vitamin World where I tried to get Eliza to ask for organic condoms with spray-on vitamins, but ended up with just gumball vitamins for the kids. Ended up seeing these amazing little pills at the checkout line…

I can give all my friends a higher energy, sense of well being, weight loss, and a higher libido for $1.50?? Plus it fits in a Christmas card..Sweet baby Jesus, I think I just knocked off half my shopping list.

Third stop, Traders Joe’s… Yelled to couple people in the parking lot, “Does this Trader Joe’s sell liquor?” I could already guess the answer from everyone’s downtroden faces, but the helpful hipster couple confirmed my suspicions. This Traders Joe’s was sans the affordable, international hootch. Pulled a u-turn in the parking lot and sped off because what’s the point of getting out of the car if I couldn’t cross wine and beer off my shopping list??

 Last stop..THE MALL!!!!

I was downing Diet Pepsi and chocolate bars at this point to re-energize. Thought about taking some happy pills but decided that ingesting unknown hyper inducing herbs might result in some sort of mall incident.

Love the stores that post the following sign….PLEASE REMOVE ALL HATS, DU RAGS AND BANDANAS.. I had no idea my little suburban mall was so hip. Made me kind of proud.

So here, I was in the parking lot of the Burlington Mall..and I had a better chance of rocketing into outer space with Spandau Ballet than finding a parking space.

Note:  Sir Richard Branson, the flamboyant adventurer and CEO of Virgin Galactic, has hired the British aging rockers to become the first band to play in space. I am appalled..David Bowie is the obvious choice, but then, again, if a band is to die in a fiery rocket explosion..Spandau Ballet is a good option. Makes me wonder what Adam Ant is doing these days??? 

Found an unwanted space atop a glacier and felt very bad arse for having a truck..Important note: Please remember my boasting for later in the story because pride really does come before a fall.

I was at the mall for the one item my mom actually asked for this Christmas..a sophisticated snow globe. Snow globes I get….sophisticated stumps me a bit, but I figured this doesn’t mean dogs in ski hats sniffing each other’s butts. The helpful woman outside Pottery barn assured me that I would find my hearts desire at Things Remembered.

This is the woman’s definition of snow globe sophistication….  

So my nerves were shot at this point…I was ready to buy anything blue for my mother at this point solely because it is her favorite color and I was thinking of converting to Jehovah Witness. Then, I saw it….the wonderful mermaid construction worker..over six inches of wife beater sex appeal…perfect for that special family x-mas tree. Breaking my heart at the daunting price of $26.50. And unless he vibrated..which he sadly didn’t…it was a  price I was unwilling to part with regardless of my deep love for him…

Eliza and I admitted defeat and dragged our way to my truck..only to find SOME ASEHOLE IN A BMW HAD PARKED ACROSS THE END OF THE ROW AND WE WERE ALL BLOCKED IN!!!!

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!

Some of the other irate prisoners and I hunted down a police officer who inexplicably told us the parking lot was private property and the traffic police were helpless..However, I did get the impression he was alluding to the fact that four flat tires might perk us all up.

Then, my white night arrived..A man in a giant tow truck with a hat with flaps and zip-up snow coveralls..he actually jumped into one of the giant diesel snow plows that were parked there and pushed some cement guard rails out of the way…

So as Eliza and I sped away from the mall…we waved and blew kisses to our all new friends. After we all left  a little love note for the highly intelligent, selfless  BMW owner.

Merry Christmas to all the helpful people, and the rest of you can…Go Screw Yourselves!!!….

And remember..2010 is all about the happy pills!!!!