Pink Monkey Chatter

I am a woman who has a lot of male friends. They seem to tolerate my foul mouth and tendency to fart on my friend’s heads when I am drunk just a little better than most women. As a result, I get to hear all about their latest love conquests and once in a while, one of my man friends gets really desperate and asks me for advice about women.

Oh goody, right?

As my male friends have started aging and can no longer see their feet and hair is starting to grow out of all kinds of curious places, I find myself more and more trying to look interested as my male friends talk about teeth whitening, skin clarifying, and of course, strategic shaving.

Manscaping. The cool kids call it.

I have finally figured out why you guys are dragging me into Bath and Body and asking me if the moisturizer smells too girly. Lets face it. We are all getting old. You more than me because I plan to be 39 forever. So the questions on many aging men’s minds appears to be, “Will proper grooming keep me looking younger and get me laid?” And the answer is…..Well, yes and no.”

I once dated this really great  guy from over the pond, and he had about the worst grooming habits that I have ever seen in my life. I swear that the image of the fuzzy tumbleweed tangle of blond fur on his taint still burns unpleasantly in my head. That nightmare didn’t stop me from …..Well..lets just say it didn’t stop me. But this wasn’t someone I had much of a long term relationship with, and I was coming out of a nasty divorce. Plus there was quite a bit of alcohol involved.

But the bottom line is that when Mama is in the mood, Mama is in the mood. Smelling like you bed down with sheep or me having to get at your privates with a weed wacker won’t be much of a deterrent. A disappointment and subject of future blog posts, but not a deterent. However, I do appreciate having the path cleared a little and maybe take a swipe at it with some soap. Everyone knows that women have a distinct scent, and the big surprise is that men do too. And it’s not unlike the smell of old cheese and feet.

I fricken love to drink in my man’s sweet manly smell, and if my man happens to pick a cologne that I really like.. stand back!! That little touch can keep me jonesing for seconds, thirds, and so on. I love that after my man leaves, I can still smell him on my clothes and pillows.  On the other hand, I once broke up with a guy because I seriously hate the smell of mint and Green Tea. Moreover, I love when a man picks out perfume for me and vice versa.

But let me remind you that good grooming means more than just body wash and having skin as soft as a baby’s arse. I have a female friend, and she dated a man who showed up for dates impecably groomed. However, the first time she went to his house, they made out out on his bed. Her head happened to tilt back in the throws of ecstasy, and it was at this moment, she noticed the underside of his nightstand with twenty-five wads of old, hardened chewing gum fermenting there.

That would have been a deal breaker for me…but she soldiered on.

I’ve thought about men’s products, and have come to this conclusion. What good grooming in your thirties and fourties means to women is simply that you have your man shit together. You can wipe your own bum, and a woman doesn’t have to chase you into the shower like a child. It’s also a silent contract between a couple that you won’t let yourself go too much after we get comfortable. On the bright side,  shaving really does make things look bigger which is exactly why I never let a razor anywhere near my own derriere.

Of course, if you have a giant package please disregard everything previously written because you have a gift and may do exactly as you like. And if all this just sounds like too much work…just buy a big bottle of whiskey and stand outside the civil courthouse.