Pink Monkey Chatter

No, I’m not talking about some environmental zealot or self-serving politician. I’m talking about me. Let’s face it, I am a single mother who is barely holding onto her job. I don’t have time to read every environmental report issued by the IPCC, EPA, or the SOB. And I was pissed when I thought Obama’s State of the Union speech was going to interrupt the premiere of Lost.

As many of my readers know, I was quite disturbed by the election of a Republican MA Senator. I’m sure why his election puts my panties in such a bunch, other than I am proud to live in a state who leads the pack in liberal open mindedness such as same sex marriage and the decriminalization of marijuana. For some reason, I see Republicans as being predominately art hating, homophobic, big business loving, rich, fat, white men.  

I have recently bore witness to several heated conversations about the state of affairs in our country. Friends who think Americans who smoke weed have no empathy, and people who think global warming is a hoax, and others who claim the world is doomed. And my friends fight about what politician is good and which one is evil and which scientist is brilliant and who is just faking his/her results. I just sit back and watch and listen because frankly I have no idea what any one of them is talking about, and I try not to speak about things I know nothing about. Let’s face it, I’m no genius, and I get most of my news from the few seconds I catch on WERS between songs or from the bar keeper at the local pub.  

What I do have are my instincts and a keen sense of observation. I don’t need to use my head to figure out how I feel about these issues because as much as the idea is so corny that it makes me want to vomit, I can use my heart. Plus, I am one sexy nerd, and my word should be law. Furthermore, I’m not swayed by the billions of dollars spent on research or discouraged by the idea that global warming is a myth. I was sold on the idea of of conservation way back in the 1970s when I saw that commercial with the Native America who cried one solitary tear. To me protecting the Earth is just common sense. You don’t shit where you eat.

Regardless of any statistics, it is obvious that most humans want more and more stuff until our basements and storage spaces are overflowing with brand new things. Our desire for materialistic status symbols is such a disease that here in Wellesley, nobody will even buy anything at a garage sale.  In my eyes, the problem is that humans will not change to fit the planet, they want everything else to change to fit them. Of course, the Earth will get the last laugh when we are all dead and gone and weird squid creatures are swinging from the trees.   

So this is my mantra..Pink Monkey’s Environmental Beliefs based entirely on what I, and I alone think.

The Environment

1. If you throw all your trash out your car, it makes peoples’ yards really ugly and cheap looking. And if people’s dogs and cats eat the garbage on the ground, then they barf on their owners’ rugs or in their beds. So throwing crap on the ground or in the water is bad..for people, animals, and my washing machine.

2. If I end up behind a bus blowing out dark fumes or behind some dude smoking a cigar, it stinks and makes me want to vomit. Obviously, don’t put anything in the air that smells really bad or is the color of death.

3. Some people (businesses) are stupid and lazy, so if they can’t walk two steps to the trash can to throw away his/her stuff. Therefore, somebody has to remind them. More than two reminders deserves a consequence. “Don’t make me count to three!!!”

My Libertarian friends just gasped in unison. Yeah…I said it. Some people are just too stupid, wasted, or just plain greedy to be left to his/her own devices. In my opinion, total freedom is only for people who earn it and prove they can handle it. The problem of course is who will monitor the world’s morons because it seems like only bigger morons are interested in the job.

4. As far as recycling goes, if trash cans (dumps) get too full…people just start throwing unwanted stuff everywhere.  If you have two bags and three trash bags worth of trash…you will have a problem. So reducing trash is a no brainer. Just don’t make it so damn hard for us to return our beer bottles.

5. As for the plastic continent??? Isn’t it obvious? Let’s just start packaging stuff in drawstring hemp bags. I find those damn cd and toy packages way too difficult to open anyways.

6. Big cars suck because they take up all the parking places, and I can’t see past them on the road. My children and I; however, drive a big truck because we get violently carsick in a small car. On that note, I would be perfectly happy if car sickness was considered a disability. We would be allowed to stay home in peace or we could be chauffered around in some type of special bus.

In summary, properly dispose of your own gross refuge, don’t put anything into the public air space that smells too bad, take responsibility, stop whining , start doing,  and don’t assume anyone knows more than the universe itself.

On the other hand, as my friend, Tim, said to me, the post apocalyptic world so eloquently portrayed in the Mad Max movies is so fricken cool that maybe we should all be outside right now spraying cans of aerosol into the environment. What do I know????  Unfortunately, I own no hockey equipment, so I am guessing that I wouldn’t last a minute in Thunderdome.