Pink Monkey Chatter

I haven’t posted in a few days. I was busy freaking out over a meeting with my boss who as many of you know hates me the same way that I hate finding a dark curly hair on my hotel pillow.  My favorite comments from my job review include: “You come across as little Mary Sunshine,” and “The percent of those who were active participants were far less than those who were either lost or bored.” Ouch, right?  And total bullshit. Although, I will not bore you with the details of my workplace woes.

In other news, I thought my truck was broken. It started making this weird noise like something landing in Close Encounters. In addition it, took to bucking and heaving in an extremely violent and alarming manner. I complained endlessly to everyone I knew about the cost of fixing it, only to FINALLY realize that I had left it in four-wheel drive for about a month. DUH!!! Strangely, the minute I switched it back, it started snowing.

I have also been preoccupied with pondering the cultural ramifications of pajamas bottoms disguised as jeans. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that wearing my Hello Kitty pajamas bottoms and bedroom slippers in public was a social faux pas. Oh..the shock. I need a hug.  

I’m feeling  a little drained from all this contemplation, so I decided it might raise my spirits to mock others for a while. They say the window into someones soul is through the eyes. I disagree..the most prolific insight can be found from perusing late night Twitterings. In the dark cover of night and after a few glasses of wine..a person’s self absorbed inner dumbshit rears its head and radiates through his/her fingertips. . Here is Pink Monkeys samplings of people who currently annoy me and the crap that comes out of their I-phones.

1. Sara Palin is the 2012 Apocalypse

Read my palm..Sarah Palin is a douchebag. It’s bad enough that she resorts to cheap games to deflect attention from her own stupidity, but some of the weird stuff that appears on her Twitter account downright mystifies. Thank goodness for William Shatner because he seems to be the only one who can makes sense of it. Dare I say Palin/Shatner 2012???

One of my personal favorites..”God told me to sue the Internet.”

Truly, how else would a Republican celebrate the Fourth of July??

2. John Mayer should be banned from speaking and texting.

This guy has such a bad case of diarrhea of the digits that its hard to know where to start the mocking. This is a man who excels at loving himself. Frankly, I have no idea how he makes time for anything else. I wonder if he actually has carnal knowledge of the women he tweets smack about, or does he just text them from the next room while they service themselves. Is there such a thing as a Nerdolean Complex??

In addition, any man who names his penis is a complete moron, but John takes it to a whole new level by refering to his member as a ‘white supremist.”

“My d–k is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a f–kin’ David Duke c–k. I’m going to start dating separately from my d–k. I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, ‘Yeah, I sucked his d–k. Whatever.’ And you’d be like, ‘What? We weren’t talking about that.’”

If you have any doubt that John Mayer is an immature D-Bag let me offer the Tweet he sent while his friend Rob Dyrdek got his stomach pumped.

“In triage at Cedars with @Robdyrdek. When the contents of his stomach hit that silicon bag and we all saw it, we just broke into applause.” Minutes later he added, “Applause. Sh*t! Applause.”

Watch out Mayer!! More comment like these and Sarah Palin will be asking you to write a theme song for the Teabaggers.

3. This Dude

And the all time most moronic Twitter… came from this guy!!!!

“I am still getting used to this twitter thing!!! But it must be cool if Ashton Kutcher tweets.”