Pink Monkey Chatter

I truly wish that I could say this claim was figurative..but it’s me, which means, it is quite literal. My dog Phoebe was asleep in my bed last night, and around 2:00 a.m., she had to go out to pee. I begrudgingly took her outside in the arse freezing cold and tried to hook her to the chain that is staked in the front yard. However, there was a quarter size chunk of dog poo frozen to the hook.

At first I tried to just stick the whole chain through her collar. It seemed to hold, and I went inside to hide because my pretty pretty princess Chihuahua won’t pee with someone looking at her. When, I got back out, she was loose in the front yard.

Crap..I thought..now Im going to have to chase her all night through the neighborhood in my smurfs thermal underwear and fuzzy bedroom slippers. But miracle of all miracles, she got spooked by the wind and dark, and she ran into the house. I knew I would not be so lucky when she went out in the morning, so I went and got a coffee mug of hot water and submerged the poo infested hook into the glass. The poo fell off..problem solved.

Or so I thought…. 

Five hours later..morning came and the dog asked to go out again.

I take her out and the hook is now frozen shut from being submerged in water. I, without even thinking, look at the ice clump clogging the lever and what do I do????

I stick the damn hook in my mouth!!!!!!!!

It takes two second before I get this sudden flash of the night before and the swirling of hot, pooey water….

Sigh..why do I always have shitz for luck????

But..don’t worry..I’m still sexy. And am suprisingly undeterred by the experience.

However… no one will kiss me on the lips.