Pink Monkey Chatter

New decade…new ways to get arrested:

Watching an illegal dogfight will also cost you more. A new California law increases jail time for spectators from a maximum of six months to one year; Fines are increased from $1,000 to $5,000. (However, watching two women in booty shorts draw blood over a discounted Tim McGraw album in Walmart is still good, clean fun.)

Nevada and Louisiana have banned the sale of novelty lighters – devices designed to look like cartoon characters, toys or guns or that play musical notes or have flashing lights. (Umm….okay???)

In El Paso, It is unlawful to sell, offer to sale, or distribute in the city any ice manufactured outside the city, except ice manufactured wholly from distilled water.

A new Arkansas law prohibits selling toy guns that look like the real thing.

A California measure limits trans fat in restaurant food took effect January 1. Enacted in 2008, it requires restaurantsto use oils, margarines and shortenings that have less than half a gram of trans fat per serving.

In Hawaii, the state will now require that any new home must be built with a solar water heater system.

In New York, a new bill requires a board of elections in a city of over one million to provide the same information in Russian that it provides in languages other than English.

In Illinois, drivers can no longer talk on cell phones while in a school zone.

Same-sex couples will be able to marry in New Hampshire beginning January 1st.

All over the US, there is no estate tax for one year.

New Hampshire, Oregon and Illinois join 16 other states that prohibit motorists from sending text messages while driving.

A statewide smoking ban in bars and restaurants will take effect in North Carolina.

In Oregon employers are prohibited from restricting employees from wearing religious clothing on the job, taking time off for holy days, or participating in a religious observance or practice.

In Austin Texas, giant windsocks, inflatable gorillas, and other socially obnoxious (??) advertising is now prohibited.

In California, SB 135 makes it a misdemeanor to chop off a cow’s tail, except for when it’s medically necessary and SB 572 designates May 22 as Harvey Milk Day, and requires schools to observe the birth date of the assassinated gay rights leader as a “day of special significance.”

Laws you may not know, but could be helpful…

1. No gorillas are allowed in the back seat of any car.

This works out well for me because I have become increasingly paranoid of monkeys/gorillas tearing my face off, so I would rather that all primates ride up front where I can kept my eye on them. Drunk friends included…Note to self: Purchase a hockey mask to wear while chauffering real or inflatable gorillas.

2. It is illegal to give beer to hospital patients.

That’s fine with me because I much prefer morphine anyway.

3. In  Massachusetts, A woman cannot be on top in sexual activities.

This is actually a huge relief because if you check my New Year’s resolutions, the list is quite daunting. It’s nice to know that the Massachusetts powers-that-be are helping me knock a few off. I love it when being law abiding happens to coincide with being lazy and self-serving.

Most of these laws seem arguably okay ideas. Although if Harvey Milk gets a day in California, it seems only fair that Cheryl Jacques gets a day in Massachusetts and Rupaul, Dame Edna, and Elton John get some sort of holiday.

My biggest concern is this new Estate tax thing..I wonder how many sick elderly parents will have loved ones ‘accidently’ trip over their cord this year. And to think they all have to die sober…It’s really very sad.

I just want to know where are the laws banning driving ten miles an hour while straddled between two highway lanes, wearing Ed Hardy shirts, soliciting parents via their children for money by the public schools,  and texting or talking on cell phones during movies??? 

Now…those are some new laws that I could get excited about!!!!