Pink Monkey Chatter

Today, is the illustrious Walt Disney’s 108th birthday. If you count dismembered heads in a canister of liquid nitrogen as being alive and in a celebratory mood….Interesting, at least to me, is the wide spread urban rumor that Walt Disney was cryogenically frozen and stored in a chamber under my favorite ride, the Pirates of the Caribbean. Incidentally, it is most likely that Disney was cremated and now resides at the Forest Lawn Cemetery in California. However, Boston’s own Ted Williams is actually packed on ice at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Arizona.

Still..all this talk about heads and big stiffs, I have decided to rank the top five Disney Heroes that I would like to dry hump. Yes, Dry hump. We have to keep this PG 13….. for Walt’s sake.

 Poor hygiene and  mono-syllabic communication aside, this young buck is a manimal I would like to sink my claws into. Just don’t ask Tarzan where Tarzan got those scratch marks. The sloppy seconds off a gorilla is sort of a deal breaker for me. Anyways..I find it’s better if the young/hot ones keep their mouths shut anyways. And no, I do not want to ride on the party bus you rented. Neither my ass nor old fart brain can’t take six hours drinking jungle moonshine in a rented stretch safari jeep.  You can just swing by after midnight.

Rich, famous, and cocky..isn’t what I usually go for. My dates are usually poor, unemployed, and socially awkward. Although, excessive mood swings and mantrums do fit the profile. Still, Hercules is the son of a God: A giant rock-hard virulent God with a toga and no underwear. Drool!! You know what they say..one million customers (I.E.Greek maidens) can’t be wrong..

As a bonus, the guy also hangs out with a winged horse. Coincidentally, I had to laser off a green Pegasus tattoo after I got ink poisoning because said tattoo was procured in a shack on Hollywood Boulevard when I was fifteen.

We really have so much in common!!  Hercules rides magical horses and spends his weekend doing heroic deeds..I ride……(hipsters?? hippies?? Screenplay writers??)  and drink pitchers of watery Sangria at Uno’s!! The only cooler equine companion would be a pink unicorn..but let’s not go crazy.

Quite possibly the Disney hero with the least personality..I picked Prince Eric because I really need a vacation by the beach. Unfortunately, This man obviously goes for the big coconut shells, so I might have to make a little stop at Ursula’s and trade my voice for some big tits. My singing sounds like someone trying to drown a cat, so no loss there.    

 Normally, I would never glance at a douche bag with a tribal tattoo. However, I will take a shirtless douche bag over one who is busting out of a child-sized  Armani or Ed Hardy any day. John Smith first appeared to be a bit of a racist, which is a big turn-off, but he is also the only hero who is technically single (made for TV sequels do not count), of a legal age, and the same species. Just hope he cleared up whatever ailed him at the end of the movie…Gun shot wound..Really? I mean ..why would a man get on a ship to travel months and months across uncharted seas  just for a gun shot wound? All those months out in the wild…who knows what he could have caught or transmitted that would need a good dose of antibiotics and an escape plan. 

Is Peter Pan the boy who never grew up, or is he really a thirty-nine-year-old hipster?? He wears the funny hat, hangs with tiny chicks with pixie cuts, and craves to live with his mother. Put a pair of thick glasses on him, and it is obvious…Peter Pan is a hipster!! I know I said I wanted to punch all these metro-sexual with a complex types in the face..I REALLY REALLY do want to punch him…and bite him, lick him, slap him, spank him, whip him… Let’s just share a tiny pinch of that fairy dust…This won’t hurt a bit……

Just a note: All the artwork featured on this post is done by the fabulous David Kawena.