Pink Monkey Chatter

Yes, I fear the time is near. Forgot the destruction of earth in 2012, the mass hysteria of the Eggo shortage of 2009 is upon us. Think of all those poor children who won’t have waffles on Christmas morning. I don’t want to even think about what’s going to happen when the last of my Star Trek waffles have been chipped out of their frosty cacoon and over-toasted.

Honestly, I have been so busy with my new baby, I mean website, that my children and I are living off a giant box of stale ginger snaps and oatmeal. The last time I went to the grocery store, I got completely distracted and ended up having my friend thread my eyebrows while sitting on a park bench in front of the Stop and Shop. I should never look at my make-up in the car rear view mirror. I saw this giant caterpillar of a uni-brow staring back at me and completely forgot to get any food. Thank the Lordy Lord for school lunches and all the random stuff left in the freezer. I pretty much have been acting out the part of Cher in the movie Mermaids. “A word about Mrs. Flax and food: the word is hors d’oeurves.”  Yes, a gingersnap with a delicate swirl of spray cheese is totally acceptable.

Top ten things that happened this past week.

1. Was told by my boss that I’m getting too big for my britches.

2. Got rejected by ATT for an upgrade to the I-phone. Argued with several managers at AT&T and was firmly told that indeed the rules apply even to me and would have to wait thirty stupid days for above mentioned I-phone.

3. Watched Oprah for the first time in years and vowed to never complain about wrinkles again because at least my face wasn’t torn off my skull by a fricken chimp. Decided that I had to keep an open mind and researched a little about monkeys as pets. Found out they are like crazy, drunk, horny men on steroids and crystal meth, and people must have a death wish and a desire for a nonexistent social life to keep them as pets. One remorseful chimp owner stated, “A monkey is a good pet if you like being forced to provide 24/7 care for a demonic two-year-old who never grows up, can fly , and has constant diarrhea.”   

4. Found an awesome bright red frame with a kitschy picture of a matador at the Salvation Army and bought a really nice 9 West white wool coat for five dollars at St. Vincent’s thrift store.

5.Forgot my landlord’s funeral but remembered when I got stuck in a traffic jam right in front of the funeral home. Was wearing an appropriate outfit for once, but embarrassed myself anyways. I called out rather loudly across the silent room, “Oh look, he has a Red Sox cap and a ball in his coffin with him. How cute!”

6. Laughed my arse off at Men Who Stare At Goats. Sat next to a very large man who ate a hot dog, a popsicle, and a large stick of salami before the previews were even over.  

7. Had my boss force me to remove my jacket to show what I was wearing under my jacket. Wished it had been a rhinestone bra or nothing.

8. Ran out of dog food and gave dog a hot dog and frosted mini wheats for breakfast. Very bad idea!! Had to get up three times to let her out the next night.

9. Bumped a car on Route Nine while trying to retrieve a CD under the seat. The guy let me go.

10. Got carded at the BBC!!! Woo hoo!! True, I had my hair in two pony tails, but whatever. I’m going to take it as a compliment. (This happened right before the car bumping incident, so maybe I am getting too big for my britches.)

Lastly, my friend and I were driving around last Saturday when I lost concentration and momentarily wandered over the yellow line. That got us talking about our own funerals. My friend promised to give a very moving speech at mine. I, of course, forced him to tell me what he would say. After a few seconds, he looked at me and said, “She was so weird, but I loved her very much.”

Sounds like the perfect epitaph to me!!!